Confessions of a Masochist

Even when we were together I knew I was miserable, I knew that I didn’t like him or enjoy spending time with him. I went out all the time waiting to meet someone who could finally pull me out. I felt ugly with him, worthless.   But for some reason when we broke up I was stuck in relationship purgatory. I had two choices; take him back or let go for good and I couldn’t bring myself to do either. I had seen what he was capable of and I was afraid of what he’d do to himself, what he’d do to me and even what he’d do to his son. When I look back and think about why I was with him, I know now that it was because I was scared. I tried so hard to push him away but somehow he kept managing to suck me back into his world. I couldn’t even recognize myself any more; I was like an empty shell just watching myself from outside of my body. I woke up every day in physical pain because of the emotional punishment I had been dealing myself, then one day I had just finally had enough. It was weeks after our break up but I was able to fight my way through his threats and his manipulation and I was finally able to let go. It was like as soon as I did, I was suddenly happy again.

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